2021四月底yi一事无成的19岁&what to do

昨天晚上凌晨和合租的人文明扯架,到两点多才睡下,6点又起床上课。实在撑不住,就半坐在床上睡着了。一觉醒来,腰酸背痛,发觉自己是坐着的,像是被大象踩过。

突而deja vu,像是回到了sophomore时每日清晨6点醒来,发觉自己坐在床上睡着的日子,手里的手机滑落,单词只背了一半不到 – 也是这般像是被牛踩过的酸爽。

彼时的我争分夺秒,鸡娃典范,自己鸡自己,生怕落下了进度。现在想来,当时的执着也是因为目标的纯粹,想证明自己,通过名校证明自己。我害怕落下,害怕体制内学生的刻苦,挑灯夜读。而努力许久,恰似有了回报,所以失了些斗志和毅力。现在的我想要探索曾经未曾有机会尝试的chill time,然后呢?

太多的外界干扰,loose my personal life,太少的外界交涉(or is it 太少or变向更多),loose my personal life,所以呢?我在想:何为跳脱?益处在哪?代价在哪?从内到外的跳脱,便是跳离自己所渴求的生活轨迹吗?平衡在哪找?我想找什么样的平衡?郁郁寡欢为何物?需要去刻意变得讨喜吗?于我有何意义?这两者难道相斥吗?越弱越好相处吗?何为强?何为弱?

不一定 – 郁郁寡欢和跳脱不一定相斥,面对感兴趣的东西无论何时都不会阴沉。该在什么场合就做什么事,这便是产出价值之道。

what kind of people do I respect & like the most? How do I imagine myself to be like in ten years? I hope I can 独当一面、勇敢、正直、善于沟通、不死板、博学、幽默、理想主义+有自己坚守的使命。I don’t ask to be the most creative one, nor the most 风流 one, nor the most 有特色 one, and I wish to be the most competent one. The one that works like a perpetual motion engine, who make decisions with a clear line of the logic of their own. The one that people rely on, and the one that people ask help from – where value could be produced. Admittedly, special agencies on a personality level would provide benefit for one’s capability, but without 实力 that means nothing.

I wish I could be irreplaceable – irreplaceable not because of my uniqueness in whatever dimension, but because of the wide compatibility of my solid foundation that is the 定海神针 or the initiate of some kind of project.

很有意思,渴求了那么久的东西,渐渐觉得不一定是自己想要的 – 我想要的又是什么?有必要吗?Maybe it’s a yes, even though that is all my instinct…

本末倒置了,表面功夫可以care+修行 but not when 尽人事 is undone.

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