Dislocation – Where do we belong to?

去年上完高中最后的网课,我搬进了一个位于Amherst suburb的自循环农场。农场的女主人是犹太人,家里有成堆的、晒干的中草药,一个屋角的羊毛线,有三条狗,三匹马,十多头牛羊,几群鸡鸭。

在那的两个多月,除了上课,做奶酪,我总喜欢跑进树林,向山的深处,向水库那边去。或沿途刨出野黄瓜解渴,或用帽子装些野蓝莓带到水库,坐在石头堆里解differential equations。经常我一抬头,望见的先是水中那边的山,继而是遍地满山翘首的青苔,然后是枯木上新发出来的绿意。夏天的日光映得New England清秀可爱,松树林被潺潺溪水滋养,静谧、亲切。

那儿也有风,不过不吹人,不像翠湖边上这般让人脊背发凉、鼻涕眼泪一起流的妖风。那儿的阳光也不会烧着你的皮肤,只是带着恰好的温度轻轻地停留在身上,水面上。有时我与Indra一起下水,把餐桌布和外衣丢在岸边,静静地站在水里观察身边贼头贼脑的小银鱼。若是稍稍感觉有些冷了,就起身躺在湖面上,任阳光和时间慢慢踱过。水库没人,因为这里本不让垂钓,所以环绕我们的也就只有风吹水动和我们欲言又止的俗世commentaries。

可翠湖本该是我的家。

在阳光不刺眼的时候,翠湖中风吹荷动。风带着柳枝飞起、落下。树荫下,我总是期盼吹过的风能带来一点树荫外阳光下的温度,却最后还是一遍又一遍被吹地咬紧牙关。工作日的翠湖不是没人,可我却觉得冷清,似乎坐在湖边树下亭内的人也没在听身后儿童乐园跳脱的背景音乐 – 我不太明白这种错位感是什么,它从哪里来,又想要告诉我什么。我虽然从未觉得自己不属于这个城市,只是隐隐觉得这个城市似乎不属于我。

我日日眺望于湖面,心中也闪过些期许 – 我想象可以在这西南小镇的柳树下读巴金,想象划船到藕花深处小憩,想象在湖边坐着躺着,感受水泥地上实实在在的热烈。我曾想这是这个城市的专属温度 – 上身凉,下身烫,能带给我干燥火辣的真实感。却没想这滚烫只是薄薄一层,附在这个城市的表面,风一吹便散了。

我又在这里寻找什么

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